someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I want to fling myself into the sun
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
