sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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