her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
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