Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
