just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
