and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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