I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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