Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Randomize
