I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize