I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
