I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
