The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
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