I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
