I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
