i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
