Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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