Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
