note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Randomize
