i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
