Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
