I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
