I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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