OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
