I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
So much rum. So many feels.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
