handjob tips. give me some.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
