I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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