Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
