I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Randomize
