as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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