When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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