when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
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