We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize