I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
