I heard we made out
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
