Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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