Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
