I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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