i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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