Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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