So drunk its hurt
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
It's rum buckets o'clock
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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