i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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