when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
NoShamevember. You game?
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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