my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
