How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
i think my cat just said my name.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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