i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
