I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
