Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
