hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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