3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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