I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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