I'm gonna have a badass scar
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Randomize
