I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
