I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
