I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
