I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
