Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
COCAINE IS GR8
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize