I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
