Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
