you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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