When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
