I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
