You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
