Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
