Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
My life is pants optional.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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