halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize